A break

 Much was going on lately. My unexpected internship, classes at University, a brief trip to my sister's university town for a get-together of fans of fantasy themed books, movies and games.

 The internship is slowly coming to an end. I'm glad. I wasn't entirely happy with it; I accepted mainly because I needed money to pay for my studies, at least partially.
  The place is terrible. There's no teamwork, no trust, no healthy atmoshpere... just arguments, complaints and miscommunication. It's incredibly tiring, particualrly for an outsider.

 University. I'm working on my MA degree in English. It's both blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I'm so happy with the lectures and lecturers that I have, or my current promoter - amazing man; interested in modernism - although I'm not interested in that particular movement as a whole, I'm interested in T.S. Eliot. So I'm in good hands I hope.
 On the other hand; the quality of the remaining classes leaves a lot to wish for. Particularly poetry class. I was so happy at the beginning of the year that we are going to have a separate class to discuss poetry. Well, there's not much of discussing going on there. There's not much going there in general. During the first class we discovered that out of 15 people from my group, I'm the one who finds pleasure in reading poetry... furthermore, I'm the only one who LIKES poetry.
 And what's the best of it? The teacher admitted that she actually hates poetry herself and that she understands "us".
 Little alien... I am.

 I'm also reading an article on Hemingway's style and Japanese esthetics in his collection "In Our Time". Hemingway... and you know you will miss adjectives and adverbs for many lonely sentences, pages... though a bit of Death in the Afternoon might help (I actually mean the famous drink - Absinthe mixed with champagne ;)

 And the trip... oh, it was one of the most amazing and surprising experiences in my whole life!There are no words to describe it ;)

 One thing is for sure. I'm going there again. Next year :) 

 And those are a few illustrations (1-3 by Nielsen, 4-6 by Bauer) I found somewhere on the Internet and fell in love with immediately.
 Of course I had to share them.

Found it!

 I am so insanely happy!

 I actually found these pedants I thought I lost. I thought they fell off my neck when I was on my way back home, but today I was looking for something in my bag, and I found them!

 I have a small pocket in my bag, where I usually keep pens (a lot of them – I always carry at least ten), pendrives, shopping lists and etc. Today at the office I couldn’t find Bic pen I bought a few days ago – I thought I left it on my desk somewhere as I was writing letters late in the evening. When I returned home and couldn’t find it on the desk, I’ve decided to check my bag once again. I swear, sometimes it’s like a black hole (it’s a black bag after all) – things inside just disappear. I took all of the pens, pendrives, bus tickets and etc. and guess what, the pedants were right there, in the pocket!
 Can you believe it? I actually started crying… and then I felt so silly. All this time I was mourning it, thinking about my loss of  familiar weight of the necklace, the sound it made whenever I moved and how I instinctively reached for it whenever I felt like… brooding a bit… and I had it with me, in the bag.

 I’m such a silly cow I can’t believe it, but it’s again with me and that’s all that matters ;). Ah, never underestimate a dragon (well, dragons) – it seems like they can always find their way back!

Other stuff.

 It’s raining all the time. The weather is like in autumn – everything is grey, the pressure is so low I have this urge to remove my own brain through the nose… neither pills nor coffee are helping. I sip green tea, listen to quiet music and hope for the best.

The Hardy Tree

A friend sent me this photo. I've never heard of it, but it looks pretty awesome.

"In the mid-1860s, the young Thomas Hardy was in charge of the excavation of part of the graveyard, in the course of the construction of the Midland Railway's London terminus."
~ St. Pancras Old Church

There is a city...

 I usually say that politics, politicians and our inability to settle accounts with previous political system killed all higher feelings in me (meaning patriotism). I usually think that we're still these silly romantics believing in ideals that are no more, and that these people who died for freedom of my country wouldn't have bothered, had they known what we did with this country... but from time to time I see something like this... and I feel kind of proud... even though I know that this solidarity never lasts long enough to lead to something more permanent.

Things you own end up owning you

 I used to wear a chain with three pedants - dragons. I never went anywhere without them, never - even if they weren't on my neck, I kept them in my pocket or in my bag. My first pedant was a gift; I got it from dad when we were on a trip in Kołobrzeg (it's by the sea; nice place though I usually prefer to be on this part of seaside that has Gdańsk), the other was a gift brought from Kraków (Cracow) - the city of the Wawel dragon, and the third I bought myself... Anyway, I lost these pedants and I feel rather naked without them. I keep on touching my suprasternal notch and finding it bare annoys me.
 I can't stop thinking about this. There were times when the chain would just stop cooperating and dragons would fly, but miraculously I always found my dragons in my jeans, tangled in my sweater or waiting in my bed to be found... and now I feel as if it was my arm that got lost... as if that necklace actually defined me in some way however silly that may sound.

 I browsed through my jewellery box, quite unhappy with the loss and at the same time unable to find anything that would replace these lost pedants... and then I thought that I turned into dragon. Over the years I bought jewellery to possess it, not to wear it. Any new piece of jewellery was a treasure, not an addition to let's say a dress. All these pieces of jewellery ended owning me - I don't use them, but they use me; tempt me into buying them and then, they demand to be left alone. Like the earrings I'm wearing today - suddenly they felt too heavy and now they're winking at me as they're relaxing on my calendar...
 It doesn't sound healthy... after all, these are just pieces of metal... or clay... or glass... or wood...

 I've decided to make an effort and actually wear something else as a necklace. By the door mom said: This one is new (well, it wasn't I bought it a few years ago but never put it on), I haven't seen it before. Is it edelweiss?
 Actually it was a mandrake, but I thought that edelweiss was a nice idea and I immediately wanted to search my favourite online jewellery shop (they have these amazing things there, I particularly love Moomins - photos below) for edelweiss pedant.
 There were no pedants that could satisfy my aesthetical needs, so finding a nice edelweiss pedant is a quest for some other time ;)

 Now some photos:

The Wawel Dragon

I never saw it do it, I usually went to Cracow
in winter time... no fire then ;/

A lovely illustration by Marta Bilecka - Dudzińska
More Illustrations ♥

And some examples of beautiful Moomin pieces of jewellery from ArtFox:

Sniff

The Snork Maiden & Moomintroll

The Groke

Snufkin

Random stuff

  Still looking for a job and trying to figure out what to do with myself. Yes, I do overthink things... - generally speaking, no change in that area.

 To do something more creative (than brooding) I've decided to organise my photos in folders, and these are the newest ones. They're colourful and as I was feeling a bit down lately, so I thought that a splash of colour couldn't hurt (much). Besides, little things cheer up the best (particularly if among them one can find a cake).

A cake with black and red currant. I thought it wasn't that bad
till I watched Gordon Ramsay's show... I wouldn't have won that contest,
but still, my cake was edible and that's something ;)

A bouquet - I personally arranged flowers XD

And couldn't resist another photo and different angle.

My pride ♥. Artemisia Absinthium.
If I could do any job I wanted, I would be Absinthe Producer.
Eccentric Absinthe Producent.

Never was a cornflake girl

Rabbit where'd you put the keys girl...?

I'm on my own in dad's office today... I have a list of things to do, places to go... though I keep thinking I forgot about something. Dad went for a bike trip abroad... so no means of contacting him anyway, he left me his cell phone as well. I don't like answering phones, like Sherlock, I prefer to text. Unfortunatelly, as an assistant in solicitor's office I can't text people...




 Have I mentioned what an amazing person my promoter is? I had an exam on Monday, and a few days later he wrote me an email, in which he thanked me for the book I gave him and sweets. He wished me enjoyable summer and all the best. I'll miss him (as it looks at this juncture that I won't be continuing studies this year). I spend ten hours thinking what to write back to him - I always have problems with official correspondence... it takes me ages to check it, double check it and so on...

 As dad told me he sees no point in my getting MA in English, I told mom I won't be staying home either to work as a volunteer in his office. I mean, I don't mind the job, I also used to work as volunteer in children orphange and in animal shelter, but the point is that I need my own money, and in my town I see no opportunity to earn it.
 I was browsing au pair advertisements and found this district of London, called Catford, obviously I googled it (google is evil, evil tool) and found this photo:

This is so adorable. We have two dogs, but for a year and four months I actually had two cats in the flat I was partially renting. I'd love to have a cat sometime. I always joked that I'll end up as this old crazy grandma who lives in the last house in the village and keeps 20 cats XD

I survived... I guess...

 So... the oral exam, defense of my project and thesis... are officially behind me. I survived, though the experience was as usual, rather stresful one. The main problem was of course my motivation level - I didn't feel like studying for that exam at all. It happens to me from time to time - when I feel there's no need to work too hard, I don't - it usually means that exam is not going to be that difficult... and then, a few hours before the actual exam, I get frequent panic attacks, I can't remember my name and my sis is calling me an idiot (just as frequently). I don't know why it works like that...
 Anyway. I had to get up at ungodly 6:15 am to get to B-stok before 9 am. We left (with mom; she thinks I'm still 5) around 7 am, and arrived just in time for me to go the dean's office to get some documents and to find out where this hellish exam is taking place. It turned out that they're going to "execute" me next door, so I barely made it through the door again. I took a seat and studied hard the history of popular culture in the US.
 Then rest of people from my seminar group came (meaning two people), making me feel a bit better, but then we started discussing when JFK was killed, and then we all got even more confused and stressed. The fact that I was the first one to enter the room did not make me feel any better. I was actually dumb enough to greet my promoter and the 'controller of quality' with "good morning", while the other English teacher (who is like 58), I greeted with "hello" making everybody stare at me as if I was insane. I don't think it is possible for me to attend any social event without embarrassing myself in some new, creative way...
 They called me inside before I was mentally ready. I forgot like 90% of words, couldn't remember what SAC stands for, and talked as if I may die without producing silly sentences... The most difficult question was: why do you think students will be interested in T.S. Eliot poetry? and what's your favourite poem by him?
 I was torn between "The Waste Land" and "A Dedication to My Wife"... but then I decided that I don't really want to explain to three men I don't know that well what "Of lovers whose bodies smell of each other" line of that second poem does to me... (which reminds me of that odd dream in which I woke up next to T. S. Eliot sitting in my bed, under my blanket and reading a newspaper... good thing there was no Ezra Pound on the other side, it would be a metaphysical nightmare - come to think of it, the most meaningful relationships in my life are with dead people... a bit morbid, if you ask me...). 
  There were no questions from the list of topics I was supposed to prepare a brief speech about, and then learn these little speeches by heart... I was a bit disappointed, but then again, I know more about "The Waste Land" than about the gun culture in the US.
 I left the room and waited next to the door for my results. The worst three minutes of my life. When they invited me back I could barely made it inside on my own, and I was shaking as if it was -30*C rather than +30*C. 
 I got three top marks: for my project and thesis, for the exam and the final grade which will be on my diploma XD Oh how I wished for a bottle of Absinthe back then... I'd have drank it as if there was no tomorrow - and to think I was so stressed, silly me.

 Now I have BA in English, MA in Law, time for a PhD... though I'm not sure if I want to date one or to get one myself XD My friend speculates it's the first option I'm thinking about... well, we were inseparable at our uni, The Mocking Duo, so she may know better ;) Unfortunately, she won't be continuing her MA studies here. She's moving out to Italy... I'm both sad and happy - for her obviously, though I will miss her. She was so adorable in her oftentimes unintentional offending of our teachers XD


 I'm still jobless, I also share the internet connection with my sister, which means I'm not as often online as I'd have liked..., and I'm helping dad in his office. I brought him a spare PC there along with my beloved printer, but it seems like dad has no interest in learning how to use it, so I'm writing everything for him. I think he likes the fact he's "the boss" and I'm doing whole work for him :P
 Tomorrow I'm going to see if there is any job for me in our tiny employment office. I already sent a few job applications, but there was no response. I start to think that this MA in Law is not really helping; I remember how no one would write to me at PenPals while I included "law graduate" in my description, once I removed it, people started writing to me like crazy (particularly men who are Christians, speak little in English and want to marry me...) - maybe I should remove it from the list of my educational achievements?
 I think that if I don't find anything here or in my university city, I'll have a short break from studies and go abroad. I'm willing to suffer as an au pair as long as it's close to Prague (but then I'd most certainly become Absinthe Addict)... so maybe London instead... or York... or Leeds (actually that was stupid, these two are rather close to each other - less coffee, more sleeping).. or Stratford upon Avon... even the Lake District... anywhere in the UK is good - after all, I have three guidebooks and "London AZ" (Rabbit couldn't resist buying it for me as birthday present - obviously too much of BBC Sherlock, both of us) -- ok, just rambling here, because for some reason I'm pretty sure that if I find myself in London this year, I'll also find RA and AR as my neighbours and I will have a nice harem with them ;)
 I need social life... or just... I don't know, I was supposed to be reading "Paradise Lost"... but it seems to be indeed lost... on me.
 

1 tablespoon of coffee... what was I thinking?

Coffee was definitely too strong. My hands are shaking so bad - I can't even hold my cup of tea in one hand. I'm confused and stressed, I'm moving out from my rented room tomorrow, and I'm returning home. My flatmate's cat knows that I'm leaving. She's constantly at my side, and I will miss her terribly; she's such an amusing cat. I remember how she used to support me when I was learning all these silly things for my MA defense... I could use that now as well, though now I'm preparing for my BA in English - I can't focus at all. My thoughts are drifting to issues such as: have you packed all of your clothes? have you dusted everything sufficiently? have you packed all of the important documents? and where is your "keep calm and text Sherlock" cup, huh?

 I still have so much to do... I need to buy a gift for my promoter, so he will remember me, because I'm not so sure I will return here for MA, for some reason studying isn't as tempting as it used to be a few months ago, it's like with these travellers with their "I hate it here" attitude... maybe it's the weather... or my usual hormonal imbalance. I guess it will pass eventually.

 My mom just called and it seems that I'm moving out today. Well, good thing that the only thing left to pack is my pc. It is surprising how much stuff one can gather... I have three bags of notes (sic!) and as much of clothes which fact says a few things about my fashion attitude ;)
 Anyway, I hope I will see my roommate before I leave. I'd like to say 'goodbye, it was nice living with you, and yes, I will visit you, promise" personally.

 It's going to happen and I dread this return... especially that I have no job, and finding a job in my small town seems like a bit of a problem... eh, the joys of living in "Poland B"...

 This coffee was a stupid idea, I can't sit still, and I feel as if I had ADHD... and this text reminds me of 'stream of consciousness' technique... which means I should go already, before I write something truly embarrassing ;)

Busy, busy, busy...

Time's running... literally. And what happened to the blog? I barely managed to find a way to post. I had a few supposedly free days. Supposedly, because mom made me help with gardening and cleaning our village house (she's afraid of mice and rats). When I could, I was working on my presentation for the conference at the end of May. It still needs some work, but the main part is ready, along with the materials for the speech. I still haven't touched my thesis... and I should... and I almost feel guilty, but I can have it ready on Sunday, just before the seminar day. I've decided I deserve some rest and I wanted to spend some time with my sister. I'll see her next in two months I guess. I never thought I would admit that I actually miss her.

 I really wanted to start reading "Warlock" (by Wilbur Smith), but with my mom around it proved to be impossible task. The older I am, the more annoyed I grow when someone bothers me while I am reading (unless it's my dog; one of my dogs). But on the other hand, there was so much going on. Mom found old movies she recorded when we were little. There are even a few shots of my beloved Sophie. Gods, I miss her, and I can't believe she's gone. We were all crying as we watched those scenes. It's also a bit funny, to look at our house, how it looked more than ten years ago... indeed it's true, you live day by day and think that nothing has changed... and then you see a home made movie from 1997 and it turns out that everything has changed.

 I was also supposed to watch "The Vicar od Dibley", but found time only to catch up with the tv shows I watch online anyway... luckily, I found a nice substitution; it will be enough for now :)

I love "I've got 40 years to talk about...".
Just keep talking... please XD
And "Dark Shadows" XD Tim, Helena and Johnny ♥ <fangirl squeee>

Good to have a good flatmate :)

 My PC is still broken, I'm going home on Friday, so I intend to drag the PC with me to the bus stop and then, carry it home... maybe it will be ready before May.

 We have a really nice weather today, though it's a bit cold and I feel a bit cold since yesterday, so I don't want to try my luck. I've decided, as I have no classes today, to work on the questions for my final exam for bachelor degree. Some of them are really weird, and I'm not sure what to do about them. Others are too general, like "America and Popular Culture" or "American Music" - so... do I have to be ready to talk about Michael Jackson or Lady Gaga?
 On the other hand, I'm glad I won't get any questions concerning British culture... otherwise I'd never finish getting ready with those questions... or talking about themes and genres in British literature. Though it certainly would be easier for me to improvise about topics connected with British rather than American culture.

 Ok, off I go :) I'm using my roommate's laptop and there is a million of things I still have to do :)

Troubles, troubles...

 My PC gave up and I'm Internetless, mostly. Thank Gods for wifi on my cellphone (yeah, I can check facebook and fanfiction.net), otherwise I'm unavailable at the moment... and I don't know when or rather if I can revive my PC.
 Right now I'm still at home, spending a lot of time with my laptop (I received it as a birthday gift, I left it for my mom, my mom gave it to my sister as her laptop gave up too... so we are one pc/laptop short), and trying to do as much as possible, before I return to B-stok. Lucky me, I handed my dissertation in, my next seminar is in three weeks time... I'm more conserned with my TV shows routine (as pathetic as it sounds - no social life in my life after all)... I really hope I can get my PC problem solved by then.

 As for Easter... well, too much time with my family, definitely. I need to get a job far away from them or I will end up on the psychiatric ward. I have enough of my own issues, without them telling me how dissapointed they are in my life choices... (I'm the kind of child that parents expect to become the next president... such stories only in the US, mind them). I successfully managed to avoid bigger family unions, and cleverly, I leave to B-stok tomorrow, even though I start my classes on Thursday's afternoon. I don't think I would survive the experience of every member of our family asking me when I'm getting married... I can't really tell them that I'm stable (emotionally) enough for a relationship, not to mention that I'm love with my lecturer who is around my dad's age, and because of that, my friend wants to practice her psychological voodoo on me...
 To sum up, we're all mad here ;]

 Future update: still not a clue as what to do with myself - I was thinking of au pair, but then, I'm usually defined as the kind of person who has a heart of a child... in a jar on her desk... so yeah, I need to rethink the whole plan of being lazy and getting money for that :P
 Anyway, baby steps, first I get my BA, and then if my favorite teacher won't propose (:P), I'm... moving out, somewhere ;]

 Too much rambling... and off I go. Night :)

Białystok

 Białystok is the city I study in. When I came here alone, for the first time and had to find my future faculty (the first one, the second one I found easily), I was going though the park, crying and cursing everything within my sight... and I wanted to never return here...

  ... but of course I found my place here ;)

 Branicki Palace

 It's one of my favourite places to be in Białystok. Usually I'm here when it's much warmer, but today we had such a nice, although windy, weather that  just had to take a walk, especially that the palace is on my way "home" and is surrounded by a park... can't wait till the fountains start :) in the summer they have quartets from concert hall performing concertos de musica classica...

Hehehe...

 

... true, true... though I would shut up to listen to Alan Rickman...♥

* * *
 Lazy day... no Spanish class, no life.
 I'm about to go to the jewellery shop to get my little owl back ;) I'll download photos later -- it's high time to download anyway... but first, I need to visit doctor... oh, I hate it... hospitals, doctors, examinations and the smell of it all ;/ I still need to go for my results next week and register to another specialist because of that thing on my liver...

I can't...

 I can't focus. I'm supposed to hand in my second chapter (of my dissertation on T.S. Eliot's poetry) and I can't finish it.

 I can't stick to any diet, because I love food and I feel guilty for allowing myself all those chocolates, sweets (for some reason whenever I hear this word my first association is always Dr Sweets from Bones), mayonnaise or my favourite Polish dishes (Polish cuisine is a fat cuisine... but my gods, what a tasty food it is)... the point is that I eat all I feel like and then I remember that I'm supposed to let go of 8kg of myself - doctor's orders.
 I honestly don't think that's possible. 5kg - I can make it happen. 8kg... can't make it, sorry.
 But then it's in my best interest... yeah, I know it's childish but for me it's like: healthy but unhappy, unhealthy but happy... because it's food that makes me happy (besides books and Alan Rickman).

 I can't decide if I really want to try my luck with AIESEC. I have my CVs ready, I have my photos ready and my application is in 1/4 ready... but I have my doubts. I have always wanted to see the world, but I'd also like to complete my education, get a master degree in English, maybe even get a PhD... if only for this one reason to rub it in my dad's face for all those years he doubted me and my skills.
 I'm not sure though if I'm ready for this, for the changes it would bring... because it's something entirely different from taking my camera and walking through my forest.
 But if not now, then when?

 I hate this part of year when my mind is in such a tangled state...

... and there isn't a day when I'm not thinking of her.

 I guess I have too much of free time on my hands and I let my mind wander...

 I was looking for my fountain pen. I used to carry it with me everywhere, but it spilled once and I stopped carrying it... a few months ago I started writing letters again, I missed looking at ink drying on paper and the ritual of refilling my fountain pen, so I tried to find it. I looked everywhere. At home, dad's office, even here... I actually though that I had lost it (and I don't lose things). Yesterday I was drawing a comic book character and I needed pencil sharpener... and guess what, I found my fountain pen in my old pencil case. It's funny how you always find things when you stop looking for them ;)

 Ok, off I go... got too much work to do and not enough time for that...

Music

 A pity date with myself, of course I'm listening to Porter & Lipnicka as well as the Dryer.
 It turns out that all my Spanish classes are cancelled this month (it was one of those precious few I actually enjoyed)... and no one can promise that we will have classes next month... on the one hand it means that basically I have free Tuesday every two weeks (because my beloved promoter allowed me to take his class again, so I don't have to show my face on my faculty on Tuesdays, sans academic writing class every two weeks), free Wednesday and free Friday... on the other, I have nothing to do but to write my dissertation and watch TV series...

And I think I caught flu again. Somebody just... kill me before my head does that ;/

It has been awhile...

 February was one of the hardest months I had to experience this year. First problem - exams at my faculty; as always I was more stressed than it was worth... then I went home, spent some time with family and came back here to work on my dissertation. By the end of second week of February mom called to tell me that our dog died. Logically, I know that it had to happen eventually... but I guess one's never ready for something like that. Of course grandma called and tried to console me with: don't cry, you still have two more dogs... That we do have, but with Sophie it was a different story. She grew up with me and my sister, and she was always there with us... to be honest, I still hope that I might see her sitting on the top of stairs in our block of flats, waiting for someone to let her in.
 A few days after that I had to go to hospital - I finally found time. I spent five days there. It was noisy and crowdy - it's a university hospital so there are students everywhere. Every day there was at least one group of students asking about my health problems... it was weird... a group of people youger than me by two or three years asking me about my periods... But there was one funny epiosode. There was this student (male) who had to examine me. He told me to lie down, so he could  listen to my heartbeat, and then he touched my wrist to take my pulse... I started laughing as I remembered this scene from BBC Sherlock when he's telling Irene "I took your pulse, your pupils dilated...".
 Poor boy XD He had no idea what's going on :)

 As for me... well, the problem I went with to the hospital turned out not to be a problem big enough, so I didn't get any real treatment for it... but they found something on my liver (they're not really sure what it is) and I'm supposed to be under doctor's care from now on. That doesn't sound good, but there's nothing else to do about that, and besides, better safe than sorry.

 I'm still catching up with everything and I'm still behind... I hate it when something interrupts my schedule and I find myself in a situation like a current one. I'll try to do something more about it tomorrow as for today I planned to study for my Spanish test... I don't have high expectations. It's grammar after all and I'm not good at it (I'm grammar blind), no matter how hard I try.

Out of luck

 Somebody has broken into my email account... I'm really angry and I hope, for the sake of the person who did it, that I won't find out. Otherwise, I'll skin her.

- 20*C is a bit too extreme, even for me. I've just returned to work on my WebQuest and catch up with bureaucracy... I'm not particularly happy about the concept of walking for hours in this cold weather and deal with people. I simply want to survive, return here and work on my dissertation. I have two weeks of break from studying and I hope I can complete both, my project and dissertation during that time, so I have one class less to worry about next semester.
 I'm still completely clueless as to what I'm going to do with myself once I get my BA... life was easier when I was like... 10 years old... I want it back!

 OH GODS! I've just remembered it's (I mean tomorrow) a day before St. Valentine's Day...

 I know, I know... but I can't help it, makes me laugh every time ;)

For my amusement

 I like the wallpaper.
 And Sherlock's earrings :)

Bad PhD M., bad!

 As a filler for time left after presentations last week my PhD has decided to show us a movie. I really appreciate it, though sometimes I wish he didn't do it, seriously... I can't function after watching those movies.

 First he comes with "Huxley on Huxley" and it just strucks me dumb. My eyes were red throughout whole movie, as his second wife talked about books, the necklace he brought her, the letters he sent her... I couldn't stop thinking about this movie for weeks now...

 And last week he brought this: (and we continued watching today)

 Cried like stupid from the beginning (because I knew Mr. Keats biography). He (PhD M.) has to stop doing that or I may dehydrate myself completely next time. 1000 Oceans - for sure.
 On the other hand, I wonder what amazing movies he can have in his private collection...

He also said that for next Monday he will have all of our papers read and ready for discussion, individual discussion. Him and me in one classroom, discussing T.S. Eliot's impotency as a male and potency as a poet? OH GODS - what was I thinking?!

 I also think that I came up with a topic for my MA (that is if I decide to actually try to get MA degree in English): Sherlock Holmes as a byronic hero XD
 Since we're talking about Sherlock, in this movie, Bright Star, there's a scene in which, on the sofa, you can see the same actor who is playing Anderson in BBC Sherlock XD I almost hoped my cell phone will comment upon it with its new ringtone: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.

Looking for excuses...

 Tomorrow looks busy in my calendar. I try not to think of things I have to do. It annoys me to the point in which I have this urge to smash something... For starters, I have English Grammar test. It's one of those things I just can't figure out... I'm simply grammar blind and it shows, as far as my grades are concerned. Then I have a presentation. Luckily for me, topic of my part of the presentation is basically the same as my seminar... so in theory I'm talking about what I do during my seminar group. I still have some reading to finish for that presentation though... I don't feel like it at the moment.
 I'm also stuck with the paper I'm writing about some law issues - it's for money, deadline is on Sunday (but I have to have it ready tomorrow, so I can print it out, make necessary corrections because my sister took our home laptop - so I have no computer to write on)... I'm half way through and of course panic is overtaking me. I'm such an old and silly cow. I should know better... than to start writing anything without a considerable amount of Absinthe :) It's relaxing and inspiring... and I need those at the moment.
 On Friday I have my seminar - I'm stressing again, worried that my Abstract, Table of Contents and Introduction were less than perfect (which they were/are)... I don't know why I'm so obsessed with "perfect" things... especially if the only perfect thing in this world is a cat. Surely, I'm better at writing dissertations than producing cats ;]
 Ok... I need to stop rambling, or I'll never finish ;/ Sight of a watch repels me ;/

PS. How can somebody say, after seeing photo of a part of person's back (not lower back, mind you) that the person is beautiful? Or it's just me?
 

Home Sweet Home

 I went home for the weekend. No Internet, almost... but the old pc is so slow that one can entirely lose patience or interest in what's new with your facebook friends. On the other hand though I finally found time to  read newspapers, watch a documentary film (on otters), had engaging discussions (with my grandma mostly, for some reason she confused penguins with seals... then we tried to deal with rest of her doubts) and even visited grandma later, though I was mostly asleep (low pressure, a moment of nap turned into coma, one minute I was watching Mr. Bean and explaining to grandma the concept of British humour, the next I was watching evening news -- almost two hours later)... I also managed to get a hold of this amazing album...

and I think I'm... I just can't wrap my mind around the whole thing. I just keep thinking what an impossible life this woman had - one listens to this story and it sounds like a fairytale, but it really happened... and it means it's really possible to have such life... if one's lucky enough.

(those photos are from: http://chyra.pl/)

(those are photographs of photographs from the album)

That's the kind of life I'd like to have.

Unexpected day off

I usually have one class on Wednesdays. For three years now I took comfort in the fact, that no matter what, Wendsay morning, 8:00, I have Spanish class. But not today. The teacher took sick leave, though if I'm to be honest, I'm pretty sure she's just in Portugal or Spain for extended Christmas break :)

I wanted to spend this day creatively and do things that I'm going to need for classes next week as I'm visiting parents this weekend and they don't have computer any more... so I'll be on the Internet rehab ;) Of course I woke up around 9 am instead of 7 am, feeling lazy and giggling like silly, because I had this funny dream with my favourite PhD. I'm helpless case, believe me I know ;)

Anyway, I made it to my PC and I decided to write a note as I'm still waiting for the newest epiode of NCIS to download. That's another reason for why I like Wednesdays so much ;)

 I ♥ this crew ;) Especially Mark and David... I always had a thing for men who are like... twice my age.

I'll watch new NCIS episode, then I'll get back to my precious dissertation project. I spend two hours crying over it and then, crying again because I thought for a moment that I really made a mistake choosing this seminar... but then I just sat and tried to get the work done. I downloaded a template for WebQuest and managed to prepare like... two pages. I really hope that's how I'm supposed to hand my WebQuest to my promoter or I'm going to be really unhappy.

 I just thought that it's typical of me, to start doing something else instead of doing what I should. I mean, I wanted to finish theorethical part of my dissertation till March and then start preparing my project, meaning the WebQuest... and yet, instead of writing Introduction for my disseration (which I'm supposed to hand in this Friday) I'm working on layout ;/
 Silly me.
 But then, I was writing that essay from hell about T. S. Eliot for my British Literature class and I think I had enough of writing for a moment. That's my only excuse. And since I mentioned that essay, now I'm starting to panic as to what grade will I get, because just yesterday a thought occured to me: so my paper was accepted, but rest of people have a week more to introduce all necessary corrections. For me deadline is a deadline, if I'm to have my essay ready for Monday, 9th of January, it is ready for Monday 9th, not Monday 16th. And then I get marked for every comma, full stop or whatever's part missing, while rest learns what was wrong, corrects their essays and get better marks... eh life... if I could be more carefree and be less obsessed with deadlines... but then I wouldn't be me ;)
 Ok, enough rambling and complaining. Time to see Gibbs and rest of the team ;), and then, to get some more work done.

I survived...

 I read that essay about Eliot, surrounded by my classmates... I survived (I think). My work was accepted, unlike the rest of offered papers. It's good. I should lower the bar... but I was proud of myself for like whole fifteen minutes... a new record for me.

 This day was too much... I can't believe it's almost the end of semester... that I won't have British or American literature unless I decide to continue after BA... I have no idea what I'm going to do once I graduate. Topic of studying for two more years is a touchy one between my parents. I want to try my hand at MA... but maybe I should just leave, to some other country, the UK maybe, find a job, if lucky enough, try studying there... I liked my life much better before I graduated ;]
 Ok, enough of rambling. Time to work a bit on my BA dissertation ;) I'd hate to disapoint my promoter...

Quote of the day:

 Every minute of every day we choose. Who we are. Who we forgive. Who we defend and protect. To choose a side or to walk the line. To play the middle. To straddle the fence between what is and what should be. This was the course I choose. Trying to find the delicate balance of interests that can never exist. Choosing by not choosing. Defending a centre which cannot hold. So death choose for me. 

Because...

... I have neither snow nor livestream Sherlock, I decided to post some winter photos to improve my mood.

A view from across the street in my beloved village

One of the photos taken by accident, yet it turned out to be my favourite one ;)

The road from Budy to Hajnowka

I missed this sight this winter ;/

Or this...

Or this...

Gods, I miss winter this year...

:'(

 I have no idea how I'm supposed to wake up early enough to be on time for my first class after three weeks of witner break.
I have no idea how I'm going to read my essay on Eliot with my PhD present in the classroom. I think I'm having performance anxiety ;)
 I have no idea how I'm going to face that day... or survive that day when the only clear thought in my otherwise tangled state of mind will be: Sherlock is waiting for you at home (if I manage to get up early enough to start downloading :) ).

 Oh hell...



PS. I think I overdosed T. S. Eliot's poetry, becuse whenever I say "because" I immediately want to add "because I do not hope to turn again because I do not hope..."

 Mhm, soy loca loca loca...